Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Romance me

This post has been on my heart for a while....ugh...I hope I do it justice...

I admit it...I feel for the "prosperity doctrine" albeit brief--I still feel for it. Several years ago as I was interviewing for a new job, I was directed to the writing of one prominent teacher of the prosperity doctrine (I'm sure most of you know this chipper fella--but I won't mention him by name). Anyway, when I didn't get the job that I thought was the desire of my heart, I figured that I didn't trust enough...that I didn't say the right words when I was asking God for the desires of my heart. That maybe my request line to God was broken.

Um yeah...sadly mistaken and mislead was I. I threw the prosperity doctrine right out the window and was pretty much finished asking God for anything--other than those last minute hail Mary moments when I really needed help or those weeks out of the month when I was feeling extra spiritual. Sad, but true. I was a Sunday morning/couple days out of the week Christian. I was comfortable...I was worldly.

Less than a year ago, Neil and I started a morning Bible study together. In that time, my heart begin to dramatically change shape. God was calling me to him and I started to listen a little better. Over the months, I have been disciplined by a loving God--most of it doesn't feel very good--and its certainly not comfortable, but its worth it. I prayed that God shed light on my weakness so that I can trust Him more--and shed light he has. Its humbling when all your weaknesses are pulled out and you realize that you truly are but dust--incapable of NOTHING good.

During this time, I've had an intense desire to love God more than I love Neil. I depend on Neil for so much--for too much. In the past, I have depended on him for more things than he is capable of delivering. On a good week, Neil was "successful" as a husband, but on a bad week--I was hard to please. As I realized that Neil was not intended to be my shelter, my provider, my lover--that I shouldn't depend on affirmation and acceptance from him, I realized I had a LOT of work to do.

I begin searching the scriptures and begging God to show up. I found Eph 3: 14-20. It became my prayer...everyday--the desire of my heart! Not a new job, not a nicer car, not a second home--just God...just to be consumed by Him--to live under His shadow (instead of moving in front of it like I stubbornly try to do). God began working on me--sharpening me, conforming me, breaking me....and romancing me. And you know what happened, I felt a freedom with Neil...a freedom to love the heck out of him with no expectations and no real needs.

This week--I received the desire of my heart--but not as the prosperity doctrine teaches. Neil has been away for almost a week now serving God in Guinea Bissau. Have I missed him? Yeah--more than words can say. But you know what...I have felt so full, so content, so happy while he has been away. I actually get REALLY excited about talking to my Lord at night and reading my Bible. I've found the perfect companion--the lover of my soul...and I've begged Him to stay--right here--as close to me as my skin. And I'm gonna keep begging, every hour of every day.

More to come later...and hopefully I'll be able to post some exciting pictures from Neil's trip. My hubby can take some pretty amazing photographs...seriously, I haven't found a thing he ISN'T amazing at. He can even change a pretty mean diaper in a flash.



9 comments:

The Caldwells said...

Thanks for sharing your heart journey. I think it is a real struggle for many women to realize God is the one and only one they need to rely on and that He can and will meet our every need if we just let Him. I know I struggle with that!

The Bannister Family said...

This is just want I have been struggling with and sharing your heart has helped me thank you.

Michelle said...

Nice post, Lindsey! You are courageous to share.

this, that and the other.... said...

Thank you Lindsey for having the courage to share your heart. It is so amazing what God can do in our lives if we only let Him. By focusing on Him He makes our lives so worth living. Our sole purpose is to glorify Him in all that we do. Yea, sometimes our humanity gets in the way. Aren't you thankful for his patience? I sure am! Giving God the praise and the glory for His work in your life.

AnniePat said...

awesome.

sharon said...

Lindsey, this is so awesome..and so brave of you to share..when I grow up I want to be just like you! I love you sweetheart..Aunt Sharon

Natasha said...

Beautiful, Lupe...just beautiful...thanks for sharing...I needed that...

Dad said...

Lindsey, I really wish I could poke my chest out and take some credit for the person you are but the truth is God did it all in spite of me. I can however, be proud of the work He's doing in your life and proud I am... prouder than a game rooster!!!

The Beaver Bunch said...

Linds,

I've been saving this post to read because I knew when I read the title and first few lines that I needed to HEAR what you were saying, not just read it. You know?

Man, did I ever need this reminder. As I am currently struggling to find my time with the Lord, I am reminded by your words that He is more than enough, and if I let him, He will provide all things abundantly, even my time with Him.

I love you friend.