Romance me

This post has been on my heart for a while....ugh...I hope I do it justice...

I admit it...I feel for the "prosperity doctrine" albeit brief--I still feel for it. Several years ago as I was interviewing for a new job, I was directed to the writing of one prominent teacher of the prosperity doctrine (I'm sure most of you know this chipper fella--but I won't mention him by name). Anyway, when I didn't get the job that I thought was the desire of my heart, I figured that I didn't trust enough...that I didn't say the right words when I was asking God for the desires of my heart. That maybe my request line to God was broken.

Um yeah...sadly mistaken and mislead was I. I threw the prosperity doctrine right out the window and was pretty much finished asking God for anything--other than those last minute hail Mary moments when I really needed help or those weeks out of the month when I was feeling extra spiritual. Sad, but true. I was a Sunday morning/couple days out of the week Christian. I was comfortable...I was worldly.

Less than a year ago, Neil and I started a morning Bible study together. In that time, my heart begin to dramatically change shape. God was calling me to him and I started to listen a little better. Over the months, I have been disciplined by a loving God--most of it doesn't feel very good--and its certainly not comfortable, but its worth it. I prayed that God shed light on my weakness so that I can trust Him more--and shed light he has. Its humbling when all your weaknesses are pulled out and you realize that you truly are but dust--incapable of NOTHING good.

During this time, I've had an intense desire to love God more than I love Neil. I depend on Neil for so much--for too much. In the past, I have depended on him for more things than he is capable of delivering. On a good week, Neil was "successful" as a husband, but on a bad week--I was hard to please. As I realized that Neil was not intended to be my shelter, my provider, my lover--that I shouldn't depend on affirmation and acceptance from him, I realized I had a LOT of work to do.

I begin searching the scriptures and begging God to show up. I found Eph 3: 14-20. It became my prayer...everyday--the desire of my heart! Not a new job, not a nicer car, not a second home--just God...just to be consumed by Him--to live under His shadow (instead of moving in front of it like I stubbornly try to do). God began working on me--sharpening me, conforming me, breaking me....and romancing me. And you know what happened, I felt a freedom with Neil...a freedom to love the heck out of him with no expectations and no real needs.

This week--I received the desire of my heart--but not as the prosperity doctrine teaches. Neil has been away for almost a week now serving God in Guinea Bissau. Have I missed him? Yeah--more than words can say. But you know what...I have felt so full, so content, so happy while he has been away. I actually get REALLY excited about talking to my Lord at night and reading my Bible. I've found the perfect companion--the lover of my soul...and I've begged Him to stay--right here--as close to me as my skin. And I'm gonna keep begging, every hour of every day.

More to come later...and hopefully I'll be able to post some exciting pictures from Neil's trip. My hubby can take some pretty amazing photographs...seriously, I haven't found a thing he ISN'T amazing at. He can even change a pretty mean diaper in a flash.

The most vibrant red

This is way to good to pass up.

If you know my little red head...you know her as the dramatic type. When she is sick...there is no mistaking it. When she is happy...you know it. When she is uncomfortable...you know it. She has a flair for fashion and a very vibrant personality. I joke that if our family was a box of crayons, she'd be the brightest red crayon in the box. She is Layla and I don't think God made another like her and WOW how I love that little thing!

Events unfolded today that have made it one of the most memorable mom days yet...

My hubby is leaving for Africa on Thursday, so me and the girls took a trip to Wal-Mart for his last minute care package stuff--you know, the essentials (peanut butter, granola bars, dried fruit and nuts, Gatorade powder, malaria medication). While we were walking through the store, I heard one of Layla's dramatic gasps and knew she must have spotted a baby doll or stuffed animal that she was in love with. I was partially right...she found a baby doll...a pretty pink one BUT she wanted to buy it and send it with daddy. I told her daddy probably wouldn't need a baby to sleep with to which she quickly responded that it was not for daddy but for a little girl in Africa who didn't have a baby doll. We also bought gummy snacks to send...because every little girl needs gummy snacks, right? I was instantly blown away by how sweet and unselfish she was--right there in the middle of the baby doll aisle!

So we get home...fast forward to nap time. I get her snuggled in and walk out of the room--only to hear her screaming minutes later. I walk in to deliver her tissue that I forgot to leave for her (since becoming sick with that cold WEEKS ago, she now has to have a tissue every time she goes to bed). I walked out of the room and turned around to say "nite nite" when I saw her leaning on her railing--you know..the kind that is supposed to keep your toddler IN the bed. I started to tell her not to lean on it...it would break--for the 50th time--when I heard a pop, and saw her fall--face first--to the ground.

DRAMA....she wailed. I picked her up and asked her what hurt. Her lip. It was "broken"....so I asked her to move it, wiggle it and smile. She did all of those with the most pained look on her face. I told her the good news was that she could move it...so it was probably just a really bad sprain. She told me that she'd probably still need crutches. INTERESTING! Who knew that lip sprains required crutches. Well, now ya know! She also said she really felt like the dog in Sandlot when the fence fell on him and everyone was sad. Then she asked that I act like Smalls (the kid in the brown shirt and khakis) and be sad for her (for a replay...fast forward to 7:15).

Thankfully, I held my laugh until I shut her door. I'm still laughing. Gosh...I just have the best job in the world and I still have the WHOLE afternoon in front of me.

Modified Vaccination Schedule

Adalei had her 3 month check up this week...12 pounds and 23.5 inches, which surprisingly puts her in the 25-35th percentile...and here I was thinking she looked like a tiny little linebacker with all those adorable rolls. I thought she was going to be in the 60th percentile or something...seriously--the girl has some rolls, guys.

SO--Neil and I talked a lot about it...I did a TON of research and prayed like crazy and we decided on modified vaccination schedule. The doctors were not completely happy about it because it goes against the American Academy of Peds...but I kept repeating to myself (as Dr. Griffith tried to convince me to follow the normal schedule) "I'm the mama, I'm the mama, I'm the mama". I'm not going to lie..I almost caved. I am so NOT assertive. So NOT assertive. I try...I like to think I am, but I am not. I rarely--if ever--complain or send dishes back at restaurants. I never argue a store's return policy...I pretty much suck it up and deal with it because me and confrontation = NOT FRIENDS. Anyway...I was so worried that I'd cave, so the fact that I stood my ground with confidence was an answer to prayer.

Fortunately, Dr. Griffith looked at the schedule and gave me her blessing, well, as much as she could because she has to stick with the AAP guidelines. I think she was somewhat relieved that I didn't go for the Dr. Sears vaccination schedule :-)

So--what does the new schedule look like...

Hep B: Delay until a year before she starts school

HIB: 4 mos, 6 mos, 8 mos, 17 mos

IVP: 4 mos, 6 mos, 8 mos, 17 mos

DtaP: 5 mos, 7 mos, 9 mos, 16 mos

Prevnar: One dose @ 4 mos

Varicela: decline

MMR: 18 mos

So there it is in all its glory. Essentially what I've done is spread them out so that she is getting no more than two at a time (except for 4 mos when she'll get the Prevnar). SO, I'll be going every month--which is fine--and she won't be getting the crazy cocktails of shots so early on.

If anyone is interested in the articles and books I researched...let me know and I'll pass them on to you. There is SO much out there...so much misinformation on both sides its frustrating as a parent for sure.

NEXT post..RUNNING...as speed work has not yet commenced, I'll have no stories of wetting my pants post baby--I assure you :-)

What a day!

(though I'd like to take credit for this little beauty...dad took the picture and mom knitted the hat--pretty talented folks, huh)

Last night was crazy. Adalei was up for her normal 12:30 am feeding/diaper change. Then Layla was up at 1:15 and did not go back to sleep until 3:45--she was feeling yucky and finding all sorts of reasons NOT to sleep. Needless to say, neither did I. So when my internal alarm woke me up at 5:30 this morning, I contemplated forgoing my quiet time for some extra sleep. Thankfully, God was persistent. In fact, I was quickly reminded that given my night and the day that stood in front of me, I needed time in prayer more than sleep. I couldn't afford the extra sleep. He was right...He's always right. So I crawled out of bed--made coffee and sat down for my quiet time. As I prayed, I pleaded with God to carry me through the day--that without him I was destined to fail miserably as a mother and I knew my girls needed me. I thanked Him (for some crazy reason) for Layla's wakefulness the previous night and then time I spent mothering her. It was a pleasure (minus the sleep deprivation).

SO at 6:45 am my day got started...

It was interesting to say the least! Layla has developed quite the terrible cold/cough combo and woke up way earlier than she should have. She is definitely her daddy's daughter when it comes to being sick. She's nothing short of dramatic. I think I carried her around ALL day today because her legs were tired. Apparently there must be a link between legs and snotty noses--I think she overheard me talking to a friend about her legs being tired after a long run and noticed some sympathy in my voice.

She did not nap...neither did Adalei. Layla's coughing kept them both awake. And--they both needed sleep. I think we all did. So for two hours straight this afternoon Layla cried...then Adalei...then Layla..then Adalei. Mostly they cried at the same time and both wanted to be held. I cheerfully carried them both around...I cleaned up snot...a bloody mouth (Layla popped her mouth on the sink--adding to the drama)...explosive poop and was surprisingly calm and happy. At times I wondered if I maybe I had just lost my mind because how could someone like me...someone who does NOT deal well with messed up schedules...be so happy in chaos.

God is pretty flipping amazing, huh? On my own...I would have been horrific. I would have surely lost my cool. I would have certainly cried too...I would have more than likely lacked sympathy for my dramatic little red head. But God knew what my babies needed today and He worked through me today. I know--it's small...it was God working in the confines of my house. But--it was an amazing answer to prayer--a prayer that I have been praying for weeks...to rely completely on Him each minute of each day--specifically with my children. Because guys--truth be told--I am nothing more than a wretched mommy on my own. I thank God for His mercy and grace because I was shown an awful lot today!

A messed up attempt at theology for toddlers-Part 1

As I was putting Layla to bed last night I confronted a beast that I knew was coming...yet I was COMPLETELY unprepared for it. I probably could have handled a dinosaur in her closet or a monster under her bed much better than I handled this...and I'm almost embarrassed to admit to it.

So our conversation after her night prayer time went like this:

Layla: When we talk to the Lord, is it God or Jesus.

Me: Well, both. It kinda just depends.

Layla: Well, who were you just talking to.

Me: Jesus.

Layla: Why?

Me: (thinking...get me out of here...I'm drowning in my own stupidity) You know, I probably should think about this a little more before I answer.

Layla: Why?

Me: Well, mommy is a little confused.

Layla: Do you just like Jesus more?

Me: No baby...I'm just...well...I don't know.

AGH! I failed her. I completely failed. A giant "F" on my biblical mommy report card.

So today at rest time...after reading her favorite Bible story about the 5 loaves and 2 fish...she asked me if God was Jesus. So I explained to her that He was...kind of like I am mommy, daddy's wife and her nana and poppy's daughter ALL at the same time. The conversation went something like this:

Layla: Well, is God a daddy then?

Me: Yep.

Layla: Who's His daddy?

Me: You mean, who's He a daddy to?

Layla: Yeah.

Me: Everybody. (hoping this blanket statement would end the conversation)

Layla: Is he my daddy?

Me: Yeah (not so much a strong yeah...because I had a feeling what was to follow).

Layla: Well, what about my daddy?

Me: WELL, God let mommy and daddy borrow you for a while...because he loves us so much and he thought you would be a very special gift for us.

Layla: Oh. Let's read another story that isn't about God, okay?

Me: (wiping the sweat from my face) Okay.

I should not have been so exhausted by that exchange and SO confused when I walked out of the room. I feel like I should have been more prepared. Like the biggest exam of my life...the biggest test to date and I was unprepared. No more. I'm studying up and more importantly...I'm committing it to prayer. I've realized that I can do nothing...that I make a mess of everything on my own..but God...He's good--He makes everything neat again. So hopefully through His guidance and His words, I can make sense out of this mess I've made for Layla. Poor thing. I bet her little head hurt too!

Someone PLEASE tell me you've goofed up in this area too..that I'm not the only mommy feeling like I need to wear a dunce hat for the remainder of the day.

For the love of cupcakes

Now that Neil is playing at church each Sunday, mornings have proved interesting--getting Layla fed and dressed (which is another story entirely--she thinks dress up clothes are not only for play but also for church--this Sunday's choice--pink leotard, tutu and leg warmers--I'm not kidding guys!) and Adalei fed and dressed and myself fed and dressed.

So this past Sunday, I decided to give Layla a very important job while I got dressed--watching her little sister--you know--as much as a three year old with Angelina Ballerina on the TV can watch her little baby sister who is far less interesting. ANYWAY--as I made my way to the bathroom to start my short makeup routine, I noticed that it was really quiet--which is never a good thing. I walked around the corner into the kitchen only to find Layla on her little stool reaching into the box of leftover cupcakes from her birthday. While I briefly entertained the idea of making her put it back, she was far too adorable with the sheepish grin and red icing all over her fingers. So I grabbed a plate and napkin for her, as she was in a hurry to get back to her cartoon and her "job".

She made her way back into the living room because she "had a job to do"--watching baby sister. As I continued to get dressed, I overheard her talking to Adalei and Adalei was giggling and cooing up a storm. I smiled to myself thinking of how sweet it was for Layla to choose to spend time with her sister rather than watch her FAVORITE cartoon. As I walked closer to the door--my heart still smiling--I heard this one-way conversation between Layla and Adalei.

Layla: I just love cupcakes. These are special birthday cupcakes. I bet you'd like cupcakes, Addie Bells. Ummm hummm...these are good cupcakes. Mommy got them special for my birthday. You don't have teeth Addie Bells.

Adalei: squeal

So I walked around the corner--took one look at my adorable little three year old on the floor with her sister and paused--something didn't seem quite right. Adalei turned her head when she heard my voice and all I saw was bright red icing all over her little face. Yep--Adalei has definitely--most certainly been introduced to the cupcake. No wonder the squeals of delight from the living room. Her cheeks smelled like butter cream and had a subtle hint of red for the rest of the day--and I'm pretty sure she developed an instant love of sugar. Great!

Happy Birthday Layla An

She's three tomorrow! Its so hard to believe that three years ago I was DYING to meet her and starting to feel the contractions that would bring her into this world. Its even harder for me to imagine my life without her--without her contagious smile...her giggles...her sweet little hands holding mine...the trails of mess that she leaves behind. Its hard to imagine my windows without little finger prints all over them and a refrigerator without her newest masterpiece placed neatly on the door.

I still look at her and can't believe that God trusted me with such a sweet spirited little girl--one with a huge heart and an even bigger smile. She has made me forever vulnerable and

words can't begin to describe how blessed that little redhead makes me feel. Its my prayer that some day...she'll be proud and feel blessed that I'm her mommy--that she'll be called to Jesus and learn the love that only He can give. I know--big prayers--but go big or go home, right :-)

Happy Birthday sweet Layla An...you are indeed--fearfully and wonderfully made--a perfect little you!